Dear Tiziana
Dear Tiziana,
I just broke up with a man who turned out to be mean and verbally abusive. I should feel relieved; instead, I can’t stop crying, and I feel really bad about myself. I’ve tried to break up with this man three times before. This is my fourth attempt. I’m afraid I will not be able to resist when he comes back all loving and apologizes to me. He always does that, and I end up feeling sorry for him. Then, I get back together with him, and I try it again. Please help me. I want out of this merry-go-round from hell.
Anne B. from Southern California
Dear Anne,
First of all, I would like to ask you if the man in question is getting counseling or not. If he's not open to counseling, this implies that he's not willing to face his shadow and heal the core reasons for his rage, hostility, and destructiveness. My sense from your letter is that he's not open to counseling and he’s not able to do it on his own, or he would have resolved these patterns by now. If this is indeed the case, then you need to abandon any hope that he will improve his behavior any time soon. No matter how loving he appears to be when he’s trying to win you back (during the times when he’s feeling guilty about treating you badly), he will go back to his abusive patterns sooner or later. Vacillating between apologies and abuse is typical of these abusive patterns, keeping the abused person hooked, forever hoping that things will change. Statistics show that it takes an average of seven breakups for a woman to leave an abusive relationship for good.
If you have any delusions that your love alone will be enough to change him, you must know that no amount of love can change someone who does not want to change. Not even love can overpower free will. The commitment and the determination to change need to come from him, not from you. Understanding these dynamics is the prerequisite for you to be able to extricate yourself from this abusive situation. The question then becomes, “Why do you have such a hard time leaving him, even though you know this relationship is hurting you?” I can assure you that it is not because of past lives together, or because he is your soul-mate and he does not realize it. Above all, do not stay with him because you believe that it is entirely your fault, that he would not treat you like that if only you were better behaved.
Here is the truest and deepest reason that you feel you cannot leave him: inside each one us, men and women, is an inner male and an inner female. The part we call the inner male is that aspect of your psyche responsible for your ability to assert and protect yourself. As is common in cases of abusive relationships, your inner male, rather than trying to protect you by compelling you to leave him, is actually taking his side.
You tell me that when he comes back pleading with you, you end up feeling sorry for him and reentering this destructive relationship. This clearly shows that the aspect of yourself that should protect you is instead identifying with the abuser and his distorted logic. The distorted logic of the abuser, sooner or later, always brings it back to being your fault. Then, you lose yourself in the logic of the abuser, and that is true hell.
I want to emphasize that you have a fragmented aspect of your own inner male who needs to be healed. Otherwise, this fragmented inner male will make you feel like it is always your fault when you get hurt. In addition, this wounded inner male will continue to attract to you more relationships with abusive men. It is not your fault that you are being abused. You deserve love. It is not your imperfection, real or imagined, that causes you to be hurt.
Your co-participation in this abuse is not your behavior. You are not getting abused because of the way you are acting, and you cannot make the abuse stop merely by behaving differently. Rather, you are participating in the abuse every time you go back to him. If you stay in a relationship where you are getting beaten up (emotionally or physically), it is because you are choosing to stay, and staying is how you are participating in the abuse.
In the short term, if he comes to you trying to draw you back into the relationship, conjure up in your heart and body the feeling of a strong, powerful man who loves and protects you wholeheartedly. Imagine that he takes you with a firm hand and tells you, “Let’s go, Anne. Let’s go.” Follow him and leave, experiencing what true, protective love feels like.
In the long term, I recommend that you address the life experiences of your past that crippled the protective ability of your inner male. A powerful and effective method for this is the process of Descent and Enlovement in the deep psyche to heal and transform these aspects of your wounded inner male, so that he becomes your champion, your protector, the lover who validates your worth and desirability. In this way, you will attract a man who will match the wonderful qualities of your inner male. You deserve to be respected and loved as much as you respect and love yourself.
Dear Tiziana,
My husband has been out of work for one and a half years. He won’t talk about it with me, he won’t talk to me about his feelings, and he won’t even tell me when he goes out job hunting. I have not been working for a really long time, and he has been my only support. I’m feeling frustrated and left out, but I don’t’ know how to talk to him about it. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Broke and Broken-hearted
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Dear Broke and Broken-hearted,
Your husband is probably feeling discouraged and embarrassed about no longer being able to provide financially for you, since that has been his role in your relationship so far. He is also likely to be scared, fearing he won’t be able to find a job and turn the situation around. Fear, discouragement, and embarrassment are emotions that are difficult to share for a man, especially for men of the older generation who are trained to not show any weakness. In relationship to him, the worst thing that you can do is to shift into your masculine side and try to fix the situation by telling him what to do, or by confronting him and compelling him to talk. Do not try to restore your sense of security and manage your fear by whipping him into action and giving him directives. This will aggravate the situation and make him feel more disempowered and incompetent.
Your husband sounds like he has been responsible and caring, and has provided you with a life free of financial stress so far. The best thing for you to do is to nurture him, make him feel you love him for who he is and not for how much money he brings home. Drop into your feminine nature and receive him; make him feel accepted and not judged. If you are willing to do so, it is quite likely that your love will melt his protective armor, and he will begin to talk and share his feelings with you.
On the other hand, in relationship to yourself, I suggest that if your outer man is in difficulty, then you must connect with your own inner male and spring into action. Can you find a job to help your household during this difficult period? This will make you feel empowered, alleviate your survival fears, and relieve your financial dependency on your husband. Be creative and proactive! Have you considered training yourself in some marketable skills? Implement—within yourself—the suggestions that you would have offered to your husband. You have an inner male within you who is eager to serve you. Fall in love with him and activate him so that he can provide for you through your own skills and actions. This is sure to bring new life into your relationship and more closeness between you and your husband.
I wish you well on this new adventure with yourself,
Dear Tiziana is a “Dear Abby”-style column in which Tiziana DellaRovere answers practical relationship questions from our readers. Questions range from quirky to serious, but the answers are always profound. If you would like to submit a question to Dear Tiziana, please send an email to deartiziana[at-sign]adorata.
Tiziana is the founder and spiritual director of Adorata. Over the course of more than three decades, Tiziana has helped thousands of people through her workshops, trainings, and private sessions. She is the creator and the master teacher of the powerful Descent and Enlovement Process, through which emotional and spiritual traumas are healed through an integration of the inner male and the inner female within the deep psyche. Click here to learn more about Tiziana.
