By Tiziana DellaRovere

Are we men and women, or are we just human beings? In today's culture, there is a trend toward obliterating gender differentiation. This trend results in many people, particularly the younger generation, protesting at the idea of identifying themselves as "a man" or "a woman." "I’m not a man or a woman," they say. "I'm a human being!"

I can understand this refusal to identify oneself with a gender if I think about it as a rejection of the stereotypes and the societal roles that have been associated with being a "man" or a "woman." Indeed, these stereotypical roles are restrictive, limiting, and unfair. Who wants to be told that if you are a boy, you should be tough, never cry, like competitive sports, be aggressive, suppress your feelings, and act self-confident even if you are not? And who wants to be told that if you are a girl, you should curtail your physical ebullience, act like a "lady," develop a passion for the domestic arts, not look too smart or intimidating, learn to be as sexy as possible, and be valued by the desirability of your looks, not to mention learning to walk in high heels?

For many people, identifying oneself with a gender means to accept a label with many strings attached that limit their self-expression. This situation is further complicated by the complexity of sexual orientations and preferences and the plethora of new terms used to describe them: heterosexual, homosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning, intersex, and asexual, same-gender-loving people, etc.

But all these labels and sexual preferences are only the surface manifestations of a deeper inner reality, which is much more fundamental. This is the presence of a feminine principle and a masculine principle embodied in the deep psyche of each one of us as our inner female and inner male. Every person contains both, and these inner genders cannot be obliterated. They exist in both men and women, regardless of their sexual orientations. The dynamics and interactions between our inner male and inner female affect our self-esteem, our relationships, our success in the world, the fulfillment of our purpose in life, and our connection with the Divine. If your inner male and inner female are at odds with each other, you will experience conflicts in your life. For example, if your inner male controls and imprisons your feminine nature, you will feel driven, exhausted, mentally overactive, and starved for nurturance. On the other hand, if your inner female undermines your masculine nature, you will feel stuck, unproductive, frustrated, and stranded in an emotional cesspool. The collaboration, connection, and all-out love affair between your inner male and your inner female is the necessary condition for your well-being and your personal fulfillment. 

This connectedness (or lack thereof) is reflected in all aspects of your external life, including your intimate relationships. If you want to know the state of your inner male and your inner female, look at the status of your relationship (or lack thereof) with your intimate partner. She or he embodies an aspect of your inner male or your inner female in your deep psyche, regardless of whether you are heterosexual, same-gender-loving, bisexual, transexual, etc. This awareness that your partner embodies an aspect of your own inner male or inner female is very humbling. Suddenly, the purpose of the struggle for wholeness becomes internalized. We come face to face with ourselves, and our journey is no longer to force our mate to conform to our desires, to make us feel happy, whole, and loved. The focus instead is first and foremost to create harmony, collaboration, and respect between the two lovers within us—our inner male and our inner female. 

This journey is mysterious and exciting because it engenders radical changes in your outer life and the structure of your deep psyche.  It is our initiation into the Oneness within us, the Sacred Union of the Divine Mother and the Divine Father in our hearts, which leads us to the liberation of the Divine within us, the innermost Source of Infinite Love.

Tiziana DellaRovere is the founder and spiritual director of Adorata.