By Victoria Crochet

With my heart broken and my baby in my arms, I summoned the courage to go there, to the neighborhood church.  I needed somebody to talk to, someone to listen and to counsel me.  I was completely unprepared for what happened when I arrived—the priest told me to leave. I was told that I did not belong there because I was living in sin. I wasn’t worthy enough to be there. Wow!! I was shocked! My horrible, awful sin was that I was married to a man who had been previously married in the church. Although he was legally divorced, his previous marriage was never annulled, and therefore in the eyes of the church he was still married and I was a sinner, too corrupted to even engage in a conversation. 

I needed help because I had begun to realize that my marriage wasn’t going to work. I was 29 years old and I wanted a better life for my baby. I didn’t want her to grow up with this relationship as a model for her future relationships with men. I needed guidance and I was prepared to admit that I’d made a mistake. I didn’t get a chance to explain. I always thought that when you were in need, you could go to church and someone would listen with compassion and help you back on your path. I was wrong. I did not find compassion. I only found condemnation and rejection from the Church that day.

Then I realized that a part of me really believed that I was unworthy, that I was a sinner. I felt guilty. After all, the person who spoke to me was a priest, and he “knew better.” Yet another part of me was very angry.  How dare he talk to me that way!  That is not what I believed that Jesus and Mother Mary would have done had I approached them at the church that day. 

I was afraid. There was so much turmoil and nowhere to turn, so I made the decision to give my marriage another chance. It worked for a couple of years because of the sacrifices I chose to make, but I soon came to realize that my efforts alone would never be enough.  I was now pregnant with my second baby, and more desperate than ever to get out of this situation. I needed help. I was suffering because even though I knew it was the right thing and the only thing I could do, the divorce was mentally, emotionally and physically excruciating.

A concerned friend invited me to watch a DVD about Eastern spirituality. The presentation on the DVD resonated with me and made me feel alive. I took on a Guru as my spiritual teacher, a female Guru. I became engrossed in her teachings, and thought that through her I would become enlightened. I meditated, did yoga, sang mantras and, like a sponge, I soaked in all I could. But I still felt like I didn’t belong because my life as a single mother was such that I could not stay in that transcendent, meditative state all the time. I had to work. I had to be in my body, earn a living, and be with my family. Because of this, I thought I could not become enlightened. I felt guilty all the time. I had a continuous battle going on within myself. Sadly, I came to realize that I didn’t really belong there either.

In 2002, I saw an ad in a local spiritual magazine about a teacher named Tiziana DellaRovere, who was leading a workshop called Adorata. It was about the spirituality of Mother Mary, our Universal Mother. As I read the article, I felt Mother Mary was calling me back to Her. At that moment, I realized that when I got upset with the church and left, I also got upset with and left Mother Mary, whom I still associated exclusively with the Catholic Church. I didn’t just disconnect from the Church, I disconnected from Her, and from Her love. I decided that I needed to enroll in the Adorata course, I needed to reconnect with Mother Mary and see why she was drawing me back to Her.

Throughout the course, Tiziana taught us that we didn’t need an intercessor, a priest or a guru, that we could connect directly with God on our own. She taught us about the masculine and the feminine aspects of God. This would have been a difficult concept for me, as someone who had only been taught about God as the Father, but my earlier studies with the Guru—about Shiva and Shakti and the masculine and feminine aspects of God—had given me another frame of reference. The three-day intensive workshop with Tiziana in 2002 was life-altering for me. I immediately felt at home with the Adorata teachings, and I still believe that finding Tiziana’s article in that magazine and attending her workshop was Mother Mary's way of calling me to come back to Her.  I began to feel that I was  worthy and not a sinner. Through the Adorata meditation, my ability to connect with Mother Mary became stronger and stronger. Finally, I belonged to the teachings of Mother Mary, which filled a place in my heart and soul that had been empty for so many years.

I bought the book, Adorata: The Path of Enlovement, and the Adorata Virtues spoke to me, and touched me in a deeper place than I can explain. Some people call it cellular memory, past lives, etc. All I can say is that a part of me that  had been there all along was waking up, a part of me that had lain dormant, waiting to be uncovered at last. This presence of Mother Mary has never left me, and to this day I feel that She speaks to me through the 16 Adorata Divine Virtues. She teaches me about my pure divinity and how I am worthy of Her love. In the years since, I myself have become a certified Adorata teacher, and many of my students have shared with me that same initial experience, the feeling that the Adorata Virtues were written just for them.

There have been so many times over the years, in raising my children, where Mother Mary has been there to help me through the trials and tribulations of being a parent. Undergoing the Descent and Enlovement work with Tiziana helped me to heal the parts of my psyche that needed help to be able to receive such grace. The little girl in my arms that day when I went to the church is now a college graduate who is creating a career in sales and planning her wedding. My son is in his senior year in high school and sending off college applications. It fills my heart with gratitude to see where they are now. Like so many parents, I held the container for their growth, provided them with an education, and watched them create wonderful lives for themselves and grow up to be happy, respectful, good-hearted people. Most importantly, I learned that we can do anything with Mother Mary’s help.

I now attend the Mass on occasion. I no longer get mired in guilt because I have been transformed by my experience with the teachings of Adorata, which begin with the Virtue of Purity:

“Your being was born pure and remains pure at the core. No matter how many mistakes you have made or how many misunderstandings and injustices you have suffered during your existence, no matter how much you have veiled and overlaid your awareness, you continue to be pure because you are made from the perfection of God.”

I may have tried to leave Mother Mary, but She never left me. Mother Mary never abandons us. She has given us The Path of Enlovement, to let us know that She is always there; all we have to do is connect with Her directly, and feel Her presence as the Mother of us all, loving and nurturing us. We just have to open up and let her in. Mother Mary never leaves us.

Victoria Crochet is a Certified Adorata Practitioner and Teacher. She lives in Southern Louisiana and teaches Adorata classes and leads Descent work both in person and by telephone. She can be contacted at victoria@adorata.org.